not my home

My head hurts from crying.  I have to keep numb and avoid thinking at all to stave off the emotions that I'm constantly feeling.  For some reason homesickness has set in hard this week.  You'd think the longer you are in a place the easier it would become.  It seems the opposite is true.  It's a one step forward two steps back routine I'm in.  I miss my people.  I miss my grocery store.  I miss my shopping places.  I miss my favorite restaurants.  I miss that farm view.  Waaaaaa;)  I'm annoying myself...geesh!  Don't give up on me.  This won't last forever. 


I had my first Virginia hair appointment yesterday.  The lady did a wonderful job.  She really did, but I had to fight back tears the entire time.  I loved my Brie.  She wasn't just my hair lady she was my friend.  We had history.  Something that I don't have with a single soul here.  I know it's coming.  I know God will provide...that it's a process. Blah, blah, blah!!!!  I am constantly pep talking myself.  I do that.  Come on Becky...you can do it, you can do it!  But man it's hard until that day happens.

It's the sense of belonging that's missed the most.  Where do I fit in?  Where are the other women in my season of life?  Is there anyone here who's a stay at home mom?  Who lives within a 10 mile radius??  Who has kids my age?  Who can relate with me regarding my faith etc...?  I could be patient if I knew they existed, but what if they don't?  Maybe God wants to broaden my circle and get me out of my comfort zone.  I don't know.  I just want some commonality. 


I called someone today, a complete stranger and actually broke down and cried on the phone.  She's probably thinking whoa girl calm down.  Since I announced our move to Richmond I've gotten a lot of emails from women in the area.  I feel so blessed that these "strangers" have reached out to me.  Even though it's comforting to know they exist and they are here I still have to reach out and make that move.  It's scary.  I don't know these women at all and yet they know my entire life story.


A song just came on the radio.  It's called finally home by Mercy Me.  It hit me listening to the song that I'm not home.  This world will never come close to what I will have when I finally get home to heaven.  I can't expect it to feel right.  It never will be.  My sense of belonging should come from knowing my Savior.  He is my dwelling place.  He is my comforter, my provider...my deliverer.  I just want a sliver of that feeling now...in this place.  Is that too much to ask?

Have a blessed day.

19

Good morning friends.  Sorry I've been a little absent lately.  The days have just gotten away from me and this past weekend we took off.  Before we even moved here I knew I wanted this to be the weekend that we went to the beach.  Today is our anniversary!! 19 years ago...at age 19 we said I do and started on the ultimate adventure together.


For some reason when I woke up this morning I had the same knots in my stomach that I did all those years ago on our wedding day.  I'll never forget spending the night in our unlived in apartment.  My mom stayed with me.  I woke up sick with nerves.  She ran to the drugstore to try and find a cure to save me from myself, and while I took a shower I pleaded with God to take over my body.  Right there in the shower I had the most amazing presence come over me.  It was truly divine intervention.  There was a covering of peace, just like that shower spray that saturated me from head to toe, and it carried me throughout that blissful day.  So grateful that He carries us when we need it most. 

I'm still pinching myself that we live only two hours from the coast.  It was amazing to pack a light bag, jump in the car and be transported to another place.  We really needed a break.  We've been a little stressed trying to mentally adjust to everything...add unpacking, hanging curtains and pictures every night and it was time for a little break.  

It was so nice to see the girls having fun.  I've been feeling a little guilty.  We really haven't done very many fun things this summer.  The move took over a bit, and with school starting in a month it was nice to see them romp in the sand and explore.

There is nothing quite like having soft sand between your toes, feeling the sun's warmth and a refreshing breeze...hearing the roar of the ocean waves...all at once.  It's the ultimate stroke to the senses.  Add people watching to the mix and I'm in heaven.



I've decided by the way that I think I need a surfboard;)  I would never dream of actually using it, but just walking up and down the beach carrying it would be pretty darn cool.  Who doesn't look awesome carrying a surf board??

Our hotel was very dated and overpriced.  We stayed at the Cavalier on Virginia Beach.  Beggars can't be choosy when you book the room 4 days before you go. Despite the outdated furniture and bedding we had amazing views and we were way down the boardwalk away from the crowds.  And boy was it crowded...oh and the bumper to bumper traffic from Richmond to the beach was definitely unexpected.  Not sure if that's a weekend thing or we just took a wrong route.  Might have to rethink that next time.

I didn't realize Virginia Beach was so much fun.  There were street performers on every block...bands, musicians, puppet shows etc...  I was pleasantly surprised.  We ate at two really good restaurants.  Tautog's for dinner..great beachy atmosphere.  Then Pocahontas Pancakes for breakfast.  Fun!  I can see us coming back and revisiting those places. 

It was good, every salty sea breath, every second in the car, every minute we got to spend together, whether it's perfect or not...it's good.  We made another stroke on our canvas of life.  I love how memories do that.  They splash together and meld into a wonderful colorful masterpiece.  Who would have thought all those years ago as I prepared for my wedding day that this would be my life now?  Living in Virginia.  Still madly in love.  Blessed with my girlies.  That peace that came over me and carried me then...is still carrying me now.   How sweet is that!

Have a blessed day.

uprooted

I woke up this morning to the rumble of bulldozer engines and chainsaws.  Lovely way to start the day;)  Remember when I said I wasn't used to the trees??  Well I'm over it!  The ones on the side of the house made my bedroom feel like a tree house.  It blocked the view into my bathroom.  They gave us privacy and made me feel cocooned.  Today they started ripping those babies out.  Rip seems like an appropriate word.  That's how I feel about everything comfortable and familiar these days...like it's all been ripped away.

There goes our private backyard.  I'm trying to look on the bright side here.  It will probably allow for more light into the house...and I LOVE light.  It will also mean that they start building a new house and that means new friends. So we've already started to pray.  Lord send us a family that we can bond with...right there in that new place.  Right next to us.  If that's the case it's so worth the loss of a few trees.

I've developed a little routine.  Every morning I slide on my comfy shoes and take Fergie for a walk.  Still trying to adapt to the heat and humidity.  By the time I make my 15 minute round I'm covered in a "glow".  It's new and dewy and for the most part I'm embracing the weather difference.  I've been doing pretty good lately at not comparing and for me that's the key to my happiness here.

 


Someday this will be lined with houses.  It will be a good thing, but wow change is hard.  I always thought I was great with change.  I love to try new things, but I'm realizing with this move and every single thing being different at once that I despise change.  I've changed my way of thinking.  Same is good..ha!  At least that's my thought right now;) 

Which brings me to my latest change.  I traded my car.  I didn't really want to.  I loved my car, but it was getting up there with miles and not knowing what might happen with our housing situation we decided we should buy one now.

 
I seriously felt depressed about it.  What is wrong with me??  A normal person would be jumping up and down about getting a new car, but I found myself in a funk...mourning the loss of familiar all over again.  Just like with the house, I tried not to look back.  I tried not to go down that wallowing path because I can go there.  I did get one last shot of my baby:)  Oh and I took the steering wheel cover.  I'm sentimental like that.

The girls of course had to tag along for that adventure.  So not fun!   But they are troopers and I love that they are with us on this uprooting.  They are along for the ride, making memories and becoming stronger everyday.  As I type this I hear giggles coming from my basement.  Our first play date is in progress.  There is a 7 year old little red headed girl right across the street...yay!!  She is cute cute cute and she's wiggling her way into Little Chick's heart right now.  This very minute a new root is taking place.  A friendship seed is in place.  Oh how I love that!

Have a blessed day.

butterflies and building blocks

Today has been weird.  It started this morning when I woke up with a stomach full of butterflies.  It was the first day of Junior High camp for Big Chick.  I went to her room this morning and gave her a hug and asked her if she was nervous.  She said no.  Thank God because I was a basket case for both of us. 

We were a few minutes late.  We get to the room she needs to be in and it's quiet and full.  Every eye turns to look at her as she enters and she has to walk across this big room and find a place to sit...with complete strangers!  I swear I thought I was gonna die on the spot.  I was so nervous for her.  It was brutal.  I turned and walked away and the tears came.  Honey was like girl...get a grip.  It all just rushed in on me at once...this emotional journey of watching your child not only go from being just a little girl to finally in Junior High and then the overwhelming sense of wanting to cocoon and protect.  The not knowing.  Are the girls going to be nice?  Will she like it?  What have we done?  She was happy.  She had sweet Christian friends...good friends.  Oh Lord take her and protect her and in the process help me...cause I'm a complete spaz right now.


I tried to compose myself.  We had an appointment to register her with the guidance counselor, so with red rimmed eyes I entered her office and she was like a little angel.  Miss Debby could obviously see my struggle and kind of became our personal concierge.  Anything I could think of to ask her she jumped on.  We found names for Dr's, dentists, orthodontists, painters, vets, kennels and groomers.  She was so above and beyond kind.   I left there feeling taken care of. 

Then later I had the opportunity to meet up with a local blog reader of mine for lunch.  Again butterflies:)  When I got out of the car she recognized me and after we introduced our kids we hugged.  This may sound really strange, but I needed that hug.  You don't realize how important something like that is until you haven't had one in awhile.  But that hug felt good.  It made me feel known...even though I really wasn't yet.  We chatted and started the process of building a new friendship.  It's like building blocks.  It's a process.  It takes a lot of give and take, and sometimes quite honestly the thought of starting over and doing that again with people completely overwhelms me.  But it is worth the work.  It is worth the time.  I need friends like air.  I just do.  So that was my strange emotional day.  Oh and Big Chick did great.  She found a painfully shy girl who just moved here.  So begins the building for her too:)

Have a blessed day.