Tuesday, August 9, 2011

not my home

My head hurts from crying.  I have to keep numb and avoid thinking at all to stave off the emotions that I'm constantly feeling.  For some reason homesickness has set in hard this week.  You'd think the longer you are in a place the easier it would become.  It seems the opposite is true.  It's a one step forward two steps back routine I'm in.  I miss my people.  I miss my grocery store.  I miss my shopping places.  I miss my favorite restaurants.  I miss that farm view.  Waaaaaa;)  I'm annoying myself...geesh!  Don't give up on me.  This won't last forever. 

I had my first Virginia hair appointment yesterday.  The lady did a wonderful job.  She really did, but I had to fight back tears the entire time.  I loved my Brie.  She wasn't just my hair lady she was my friend.  We had history.  Something that I don't have with a single soul here.  I know it's coming.  I know God will provide...that it's a process. Blah, blah, blah!!!!  I am constantly pep talking myself.  I do that.  Come on can do it, you can do it!  But man it's hard until that day happens.

It's the sense of belonging that's missed the most.  Where do I fit in?  Where are the other women in my season of life?  Is there anyone here who's a stay at home mom?  Who lives within a 10 mile radius??  Who has kids my age?  Who can relate with me regarding my faith etc...?  I could be patient if I knew they existed, but what if they don't?  Maybe God wants to broaden my circle and get me out of my comfort zone.  I don't know.  I just want some commonality. 

I called someone today, a complete stranger and actually broke down and cried on the phone.  She's probably thinking whoa girl calm down.  Since I announced our move to Richmond I've gotten a lot of emails from women in the area.  I feel so blessed that these "strangers" have reached out to me.  Even though it's comforting to know they exist and they are here I still have to reach out and make that move.  It's scary.  I don't know these women at all and yet they know my entire life story.

A song just came on the radio.  It's called finally home by Mercy Me.  It hit me listening to the song that I'm not home.  This world will never come close to what I will have when I finally get home to heaven.  I can't expect it to feel right.  It never will be.  My sense of belonging should come from knowing my Savior.  He is my dwelling place.  He is my comforter, my deliverer.  I just want a sliver of that feeling this place.  Is that too much to ask?

Have a blessed day.

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