Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Motherhood & Guilt

As I mentioned last week, I'm taking a Beth Moore bible study on Esther. Well this week as Beth pulled out her red book of women surveys regarding challenges women face...she hit on motherhood and guilt. She talked a lot about how Esther was orphaned and how this one fact of not having parents had a huge impact on her destiny.

I think back to my journey becoming a mom and how much of a significance motherhood has had on my life. Honey and I had been married 7 years when we found out our lives were going to be turned upside down. So glad we had that time together, but the days of being able to do whatever we wanted were long gone. I remember the struggle of making my own "mom" decisions. For instance I didn't want anyone at the hospital when we had the girls...not even in the waiting room. I just felt this enormous pressure and I knew having people waiting on me would make it worse. Of course my mom didn't understand and it hurt her feelings, but I was coming into my own...charting out a new path. Making decisions that were in the best interest of my new family.

For probably a solid year after I had Big Chick I had to pinch myself to believe that I was a mom. I just couldn't wrap my brain around that fact. It was just too impossible that I was someone's EVERYTHING. It probably stemmed from the fact that my mom and I were super close. She is the epitome of what a mom should be. I know for a fact that she would do anything for me. She's proven her gigantic love for me time and time again throughout my life. I never questioned it and yet here it turn to be that special someone to another little being. It was and is overwhelming.

forward to the present. I have a routine with Little Chick that we wait outside for the bus together. Well today after rushing around to get to and from my bible study, I decided to blog for a few minutes. Time got away from me and next thing I know I hear her little voice cry "Mommy" and then the door slam. I ran downstairs to see her standing outside the bus with tears streaming down her face. You see she didn't want to leave me without saying goodbye, but she didn't want to miss her bus either. I picked her up, wiped her tears and reassured her that I was there. It was okay. Even as she left I couldn't stop thinking about her sad little face and how I let her down.

We have so many chances in a day to feel like failures as moms. They look to us for everything. We are their everything. It is an amazing privilege and a huge responsibility to mold and shape a little person's life. But what if I had never had a wonderful motherly example in my own life? What if I was orphaned? Can't you just imagine how differently you would differently you might mother. I'm interested to see how this one aspect of Esther's life will somehow shape her future.

Have a blessed day.

Photo Credit: #1 Flickr - amersil, #2 Flickr - Ivan M, #3 Flickr -Urnvious21, #4 Flickr - Fred Ligget
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