Thursday, January 21, 2010

Heart Lessons


Yesterday was a bad day. I got in a horrible argument with someone close to me. I raised my voice, I cried, I said things I didn't mean. It was bad. I really hate discord. I am an innate peacemaker. I know this about myself. So when something like that happens, and it will at some point because that's just life, it eats me up inside. My stomach hurt, I couldn't sleep, I had dreams. It's just the way I'm wired.


It's so ironic to me that I'm doing this series on the Love Dare and what has come so easy for me in the past has become a real challenge in the face of recent events. I will spare you details. But just know I'm not proud of how I handled the situation. I wish I could tell you that after our disagreement I got down on my face and poured out my heart to the Lord. Praying for forgiveness for myself and for my heart to love the other. Instead I carried it with me all day long...fuming inside, calling any friend who would listen and just being plain bitter. Something tells me that Satan really enjoyed my yesterday and that makes me MAD.


So with that said I am going to try the other approach today and ask for help from the only one who can give it. I know He's been a little busy with all the other more important issues in the world as of late, but something tells me that He cares about this stuff just as much. If this is part of the refining process in me...than bring it on because it is my hearts desire to be exactly who God called me to be.





Thanks for listening.














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54 comments:

  1. Oh Becky, I'm so sorry that your heart is hurting. Go easy on yourself...none of us can be totally agreeable all the time. Wishing you a peaceful heart:)

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  2. Oh dear... I don't like days like that! But know that we all have them and we have them because we learn from them! We are not perfect ~

    We will always be here to listen and not judge, so feel free to come back and spill your guts :-)

    I hope today is a better day for you my friend! Chin up!!

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  3. I hate those days. You're so right about Satan eating it all right up. Here's to a fresh start, from the only One who can truly give it!

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  4. I am the same - I hate confrontation. Thankfully we can all relate at one time or another~
    Did you get my message about seeing you on Sue's blog after her surgery? Small world!
    xx

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  5. "calling any friend who would listen and just being plain bitter"

    Ouch. I just got convicted here. Lots going on with sisterly love in my family and I did that yesterday (called anyone who would listen and whined/complained/justified my actions on the phone with them) It's also a nasty habit of mine that I've started to develop. I couldn't put my finger on what it was that had changed about me in the past 2-3 weeks but I knew it was something, kept apologizing to friends for complaining too much feeling a conviction but not clear on what exactly I was doing. Reading this today it jumped off the screen at me like "Hey Autumn! You do this!!! Listen up!" I like to think of myself as a peacemaker but if you push certain buttons I turn off the peace part and just make life harder (and it takes a lot to push those buttons, but sisters have a way of doing it so easily, maybe because they know exactly what to say/do)

    Anyways, thanks for this post I needed to hear it myself. (Much as I would like to ignore it and pretend I didn't hear it the true test is in what I'll do now that I know exactly what it is I'm doing that I shouldn't do.)

    Lots of love,
    ~Autumn

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  6. Your blog feeds me everyday, thank you for being so real.

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  7. hey sweetie....i can totally relate
    & YES indeed
    he does care
    release yourself from that guilt girlie
    your heart & desire for transparancy is such an inspiration & a breath of fresh air.
    {{{{hugs to you}}}}

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  8. Oh honey, I've so been there... many times!! It's been so hard in the past to NOT tell someone when you're an open book like I am, (and you are) so I totally get it. I get it DOWN DEEP. I just can almost not stand sharing my 'what's what' with anyone who will listen when I'm upset but I'm learning and changing slowly. It's soooo hard! Conflict is so hard and relationships are so messy. It seems that in this life we are called to embrace the 'messy' in every relationship for Jesus's sake! Lately I've been applying Philppians 2:3 to everything I do... it hits me daily. Hard.

    Your heart is precious, and the Lord will bless it. Hang in there sweet friend.

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  9. Your heart posture (today) fits exactly to what I'm going to say next...

    "Go to the throne, instead of the phone".

    This is a small nugget of wisdom that I've learned over the years (not always implemented, I'll be honest)... I'm not even sure where I've gotten it from. But as I was reading your post, it is what came to mind.

    Love ya, hope this day is a better one.

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  10. Sorry that you had such a rough day. Hope today is a better one! Love your heart dares -- thanks for sharing.
    Janet

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  11. Oh, Becky! Your words so closely match what I am going through right now. I envy your strength in the Lord! Right now I'm finding it hard to pray because I'm just holding on by a thread. But I know others are praying for me, and that helps so much!

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  12. I've been there before too (like two days ago) and I'm thankful for a new day and fresh start! Hope your day is much better today :)

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  13. Amen for your perspective and "you go girl"!

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  14. Awe, bless your sweet and tender heart.
    Sorry to hear you had a rough day. We've ALL been there.

    Take heart that the One who knit you together knows you through and through and will bring peace to your restless worries.
    So thankful that we can fully expect Him to show up when we seek Him.

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  15. I hate confrontation...Today is a new day! Huges to you, an you feel my huge huge? ;)

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  16. I'M LIKE YOU, I HATE CONTENTION! BUT WE ALL HAVE DAYS LIKE THAT, AND YES OLE SATAN LEADS US ON DOWN THAT PATH, MAKING US MISERABLE, LIKE HE IS, AND THEN LAUGHS AT US! THANK GOD, HE HAS SHOWN US A BETTER WAY, AND WE ARE HIS CHILDREN AND WE SEEK AFTER HIM STILL. GOD BLESS YOU, YOU HAVE SUCH A SWEET HEART...WISHING FOR YOU GOOD DAYS! COME SAY HI :D

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  17. oh goodness, I have been here more times then I would like to admit.. and I am sorry your heart is hurting. I hope you and your friend can make up or perhaps agree to disagree, because friendships are important and I do hope you don't loose her over what ever happened. I hate confrontation too, hate it...big hugs to you sweetie~

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  18. I am a peace-maker too and really don't like conflict. It makes my tummy hurt.

    I'm praying for you and hope things get better soon for ya!

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  19. Hi Becky!

    Thank you for sharing. I'm lifting ya up...I'm praying. You can do it! So, here is my Denise Austinesque cheer question for you to remember during challenging times...

    "Do you want to be a bitter Becky or a brighter Becky?!"

    : )

    Julie M.

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  20. I think that is how things usually go! When the Lord is doing a work within you, that ol' flesh just raises its ugly head and tries to prevent it. I guess this is what Paul meant when he said we must die to the flesh daily. I'm glad we serve a God who is never too busy for our hearts. He said all things work together for the good of those who love Him and keep his commands. Our need is only limited by HIS supply, and He's got more than enough to go around. :)

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  21. Oh sweetie, I know that song and dance all too well. This summer it was a daily ritual. I would say the worst things to my ex and then cry and feel so bad. I fumed about it and then felt guilty. I believe in my heart God cares about the little things in my life and in yours. Let it out, tell him (and us) all if that's what it takes. Jesus died so that we sin and be forgiven. I am thankful for that everday. I have faith that you will have peace with the person soon.

    Praying for you
    xoxo
    Nancy

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  22. Becky, we're apparently cut from the same cloth. I get torn up inside even when I don't raise my voice because having a strong difference of opinion is just so hard. However, I got into a disagreement with a friend last weekend and because of other issues I had with my friend, I felt heat inside my heart and I don't like that one bit. I didn't say anything unkind, but she became so upset that when I returned a few minutes later to see if she was okay, she wouldn't look at me and yet she said it was no big deal (a defense mechanism). I, too, am dealing with the Father on my issue and hope to have it resolved one day very soon.

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  23. when that happens i just try to do better the next time. i don't like to argue either but i've been in those situations where it bugs you all day. when all i really need is to just let it go.

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  24. Hi sweet Becky...great big hugs to you!! sorry about yesterday!- we ALL have those days...not much fun- I'm a HUGE peace-maker too!- which makes those days even harder!- but our God is much greater and bigger than any "bad" day we could ever have- and He loves us so!
    Many Blessings!
    Jill

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  25. sorry you had a bad day...praying for you and hoping today is better...i am having one of those weeks...and i am not liking it! need to get out of the funk i am in and back to the living!

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  26. Becky,
    You know what is happening don't you? Since you started the Love Dare with all of the wonderful and great intentions, well good ole' Satan is working hard on us all, hoping we will fail at it. It's happened to me this week also, and I'm ashamed.... but the great thing is..."greater is He that is in us, than he that is in the world." We can do it right with His help. Let's all get back up and press on once again!

    So glad you live in the REAL with the rest of us.

    Lee Ann

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  27. Aww, I'm sorry. I hope tomorrow is a better day and you are able to resolve the issue. I've been there too. It's so hard.

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  28. I just love you and want you to know that I have the hugest smile on my face right now!

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  29. I loved Lee Ann's comment. I couldn't agree more. We have all had those bad days, when Satan seems to get his way (argh). It's the next days that matters more. How we chose to respond to Christ's nudgings. Stay encouraged, Jesus is rooting for you and so are we! Your honesty is refreshing!

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  30. Well, I have to say you've passed. You are officially HUMAN.

    The fact that you're able to recognize your mistake just shows where you are in your walk with the Lord. I love that you are so quick to recognize where your shortcomings are and how you know that He is the one to help you change.

    This is a post I could have easily written (except for the natural peacemaker part....I'm sorta an antagonist at heart....whoops....)

    And I thank you for writing it, as it is completely convicting to me!

    xoxo

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  31. Days like this are so hard Becky but remember that He will always have time for you. Like some of the girls said, you are human and some days are better than others. Everyone reaches a breaking point in some situations and it is good to let it out instead of keeping it all bottled up inside. Hugs for a better day tomorrow. xo

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  32. Every time we pick an area to step up too, we get tested in just that area. You are so sweet and sharing your human frailties just make you all the more real. Keep on shining.

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  33. It's my turn to send you a big hug, i'm so sorry you had such a day and your heart and mind were unrest yesterday. We all have those moments.sending you much love,
    xo,
    LuLu

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  34. Ah, so tough. I know how you feel. I hate discord, too. I feel so uncomfortable knowing there is strife between me and a friend, co-worker, or family member. I just want to make it right again! Usually I lose my temper for the weirdest reasons, too. And I hate to say it, but I can often blame it on hormones!
    I do hope you find peace with what happened and patch things up soon. You are a good person with a good heart, and good people can make mistakes and have bad days, too!

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  35. It's a horrible feeling but everyone has their breaking point and you know we are very much like an old teakettle on the stove! Letting off a little steam is much better than burning the whole house down!

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  36. Your photo speaks volumes. I am so very sorry that your hurting. I guess the way that I look at family and friendship is that we have our moments with one another good feelings, hurtful feelings. Like you, I am a peacemaker. I would rather switch then fight. :) However, I have had my moments when enough was enough and I lost it. How did I feel afterward? The very same way that you did. I hope that the person you are close to will understand that your only human and that you will both be able to get past the bad feelings. The last time I had this experience was about 13 years ago and it was with my younger sister. Oh I was so hurt by things she said to me and before I knew it I got angry and said things I wish I had never said. We had silence between us for 10 of those past 13 years. I tried and tried to make it up to her but she has very little forgivness in her heart. It's just the way she is. We talk now but only once a year. I miss what my sister and I once had. We were so close. I have prayed many nights over this but I guess this is the way that it will be. I believe that God took the time to listen to me. But I think that my sister is not open to hearing what he may be saying to her. That's just a guess on my part. I hope that you and your special person will mend things quickly.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us Becky. I always take time to think about what you write. Thank you for continuing the Love Dare. Thank you for also putting the song "World I know" by Collective Soul on your playlist. It is one of my favorite songs.

    I'm sending good thoughts, prayers and hugs to you.

    Mary

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  37. Sending lots of prayers and love your way. Thank you for sharing honesty and loveliness. It helps to know that we all struggle... and to remember that He will give us the strength to be different.

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  38. I still think you should read your letter. It is wonderful and truly shares your heart in a nice way. Love you!

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  39. Aww Becky! I hate that you had such a crappy day!! It absolutely drains you to have a day like that!! You know being that we are human it is only in that nature that something like this can happen! I know many times I will tell myself the way I am acting isn't taking the high road or making WWJD decisions, but I continue it because it "feels" better in the moment...Even if it really doesn't! And you are right Satan was eating that up! But you knocked him down by posting this and seeking God's help!! You rock and don't forget it!!

    ps~ I got my painting today!!! And I LOVE it!!! I will be posting about it soon!!

    PRAYERS & HUGS & LOVE for your my friend!!

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  40. Becky, it is moments like these that Satan (thinks)he's gotcha, BUT guess what God has you right in the palm of His hand. All we need to do it keep our eyes on Him and not the circumstance. He always has time for you.

    Now, I am not telling You I am perfect, I am telling you what I am working on. With that said, it is alot easier to just act out of our human nature and then look for justification ( phone calls) It is through these emotions, where the enemy knows if he can get just get in there and trigger them, he may have a chance to distract us from our journey. The exciting part is that we can learn what these "triggers" are learn to respond in our godly nature.
    You are on the right path, transparency and wanting to be more like Him is all He wants.

    Out of our mouth - our heart speaks, so I think it is very accurate that this would happen during your "love dare",you are searching the right place your heart.

    I pray He will comfort you with peace, understanding and wisdom.

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  41. I am sorry you had a bad day!! I have done this before and then I feel terrible for DAYS.
    I'll be thinking about you.
    Hugs!!

    Beth

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  42. First of all, I just wanted to say thank you sooo much for visiting my art blog. It was so awesome hearing from you.

    Now on to your post. Did you read my diary? Because this so describes days that I have experienced, feelings and all, to a "T." Every time I really try to follow God and His ways and really work on my marriage or other relationships, Satan gets right in there to try and sabotage the whole thing. That's why it's not so easy. Also, we have this thing called "the flesh" that makes it so difficult to walk in the Spirit. But press on we must. Move forward. Thanks for sharing and being so open. Hope all is patched up and forgiven soon and that you can start over with a clean slate. Hang in there. Today will be a better day. (Spend time with God, take your cod liver oil, eat some dark chocolate and soak up some sunshine. lol)

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  43. I am so sorry you had such a bad day. It's tough when we feel like we messed up, but we can be thankful that God's mercies are new every morning!

    Hugs,
    Adrienne

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  44. i can tell you are a wonderful person. just the fact that you are upset with yourself for being upset with someone else. most people call that a normal day, to get angry at others. i am like you, i find it very difficult to get upset at others and letting them know it, it upsets me for days.
    but we are human and that is just a part of life. i hope you have a better day and great weekend!

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  45. I hate it when that happens. May good growth come of it.

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  46. Oh girly you are awesome. Pray for your day today that Satan won't find any joy in it! AMEN! Love your open heart and willingness to move your face right back to God..., albeit after a upset moment, but focus on the fact that you choose this day to find peace and God's gentle hand just walking it through with you.

    Love you friend,
    Kristin

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  47. Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
    James 1:2-4

    Thanks for your commment on my blog. My daughter, "Herhoushold" has your link and I jump on from time to time.
    The Love Dare study is great, the movie is awesome, I know you know that. Remember to seek His Face daily.
    I know what you mean though, on the family trials.....Oh Honey, Do I Know.
    Please be assured that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Remember Take your thoughts captive, Abide in Him and Claim His word.
    Email me if you'd like, I am here for you.
    tjecheverria@atcnet.net
    Till Then shoulders back, Head Up and know you are a child of the King. (that is what I would tell my girls right as they was going into the box to rope or the arena to tie a goat.)
    jackie

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  48. but good for you for finally coming to your senses. i know admitting you were wrong has got to be so difficult.

    praise God for forgiveness, right?

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  49. Oh ~ I hope you had a better day...I'm sorry for it being that way...although I have been there more than I like to admit...don't keep the guilt and just release to Him...you are a great person

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  50. Hi, I am newbie to your wonderful blog. Love what I have seen so far...I absolutely can relate! Love, Love, the Love Dare. We serve a great God, "Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3 Don't let anyone steal you joy! Deborah from www.dlrubyspalette.blogspot.com My Artwork , inspiration and scripture. God is smiling down on you...Chin up!

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  51. here I am waaaaay down here at the 'new bottom'of your comments...only for a moment I'm sure. I'm so glad to hear that your depression has lifted. But, what an attack you're undergoing now. I did see that someone said 'go easy on yourself'. Sometimes, when you think you're wrong, you're not (all?) wrong. It's very easy to follow emotions, much harder to examine it and stick w/the (many?) facts and the Lord and what He tells you to do. I think about Ephesians 6:10-19 which includes, when you've done all to stand, stand therefore... or how hard it is to learn 'be angry and sin not'. (Heavenly Father, I lift Becky to You at this time. Knowing how hard these kinds of things can be, how multi-faceted so many things are, I pray for her heart to be enlightened with Your wisdom in this matter. I pray that she uncover what You are teaching her and telling her to do and that she is able to do it without fear and with confidence in You. I pray for whoever is involved, that You will speak to their heart as well. Open doors that need to be opened and close doors that need to be closed. I thank You for Becky and her heart and her blog. I thank You for how You speak to me with things she goes through. THank You for this 'body of Christ' that works together, through it all. I praise Your name. May Your will be done in us, around us and through us. In the name of Yeshua, Christ, our Savior. Amen.) Love ya, Jenn

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  52. Oh goodness...I'm so happy to be reading your post today, because I had a day just like this yesterday. I got angry at a coworker, said some not so nice things to her, and then proceeded to tell several people about our arguement so I could get a little sympathy.
    The Lord started working on me before I even got home,..I asked for forgiveness, but still had a pretty sleepless night. I'm going to take her a Latte Monday morning and tell her I'm very sorry for my words.
    I guess we all have those kinds of days, and if we weren't convicted by them, then there would be something wrong, right?
    Thanks for sharing! It happened to be very timely for me!!

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  53. Thank you so much for taking the time to open up and share with us. I am also a mom of two little girls and was also in a disagreement with someone close to me recently. It hurts, but your are right, God has time to listen to us too while He is dealing with bigger problems.

    Kerri

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  54. Dear Becky, I hope you are in a much better place today. Thinking of you.

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Thanks for taking a minute to share your thoughts. I love hearing what YOU have to say:)

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